it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
