What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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