i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
