Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
