a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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