I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
