2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
