i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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