sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
