He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
