1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
