if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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