The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
