the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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