My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
