Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
