I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
