Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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