Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
