I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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