new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
