I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
