I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
