I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
