I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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