I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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