Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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