when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
