Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
