Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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