it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was like eating out sand paper
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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