I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
