i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
