i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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