trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
