How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
