Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
