Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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