Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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