life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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