Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
