i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
