My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
