Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
