clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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