i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
