I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
