My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
