he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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