so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wish there were birth control emojis
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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