Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
