Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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