I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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