If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You smell like stripper and shame
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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