tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
