if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
