At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
